Today Beaute died. May 24,2012.

He was eleven years old and my faithful companion. He was the most amazing animal.

I adopted him from a local greyhound guy and from the first day we were fast friends and eventually best friends. He was my BFF.

I know he could read my mind. When I would be getting ready to go somewhere, it did not matter how quiet I was, or how I tip toed around the house he knew and he would come running, tail wagging, ready to go for a ride in the car. He would be lying in the sun in the back yard and when I picked up my keys, one ear would stand straight up, he could hear the jingle of the keys and be up on his feet waiting for me to come get him and put him in the car. And when I wouldn’t he would have the most heart breaking expression on his face from the other side of the gate, that many times I would turn around and go back for him and say “ok, fine you can go” and his tail would wag with excitement. It was such a pleasure to see him happy. When I first got him we would play in the front yard every day. He had a stuffed toy they he liked to lay with, funny enough, it was Scooby doo.  He loved to fetch and he especially loved to go on walks. He has the key hole at Devil’s Backbone on his list of accomplishments.

About a year and a half ago Beaute came down with “Old Dog Vestibular Syndrome” He was never the same after that. Long walks and hiking were no longer fun for him. He was patient, loving and always a good listener. Whenever I would talk to Monty on the telephone, Beaute knew it and would start pushing toward the door with his nose. He liked to go to Monty’s house and play with Luke.  About five months ago his front right let started bothering him. It soon became difficult, no matter how excited he was, to hop into the back of the car. Most recently his intestines started to bother him with diarrhea.

Last night I came home and he had diarrhea all over the house. I have no carpet, so the cleanup is the least of my worries. He had lost his zippity-du-da. Monty went with me for this most difficult thing. Beaute was tired and in pain. Not long ago I said to Beaute in an emotional outburst, “ and you can’t go anywhere right now, not for at least a year, I can’t loose you right now. I can’t handle it” about a day later I realized that was selfish, that Beaute might need, for his sake to go sooner and that sooner was today.

My dear friend Monty went with me and helped me on so many different levels. He is a good friend. When we got back to Monty’s house, Melissa was waiting at the door with open arms and warm hugs. I sat down and Luke started rubbing up against me and howling and talking in Luke language. I could tell, he somehow knew exactly what was going on and was consoling me.

Beaute made the world a better place and he made me a better person.

The winds of change have arrived in my neighborhood. Welcomed with mixed messages of push and pull. I so admire the people who's road is steady and predictable. I look around at my peers and I see people who are established and secure and steady. I am green with envy, I envy their security. I wonder if there is a connection to the fact that green is my favorite color.

If I change my favorite color, will my story change?

I recently put my house for sale, I am giving up this most of the american dreams.

It is hard not to feel like a failure, but I am after all the seeker of silver linings and I usually find them. Ask anyone who knows me.

I adopted out my peahen yesterday afternoon to a neighbor who has chickens, carrier pigeons and turkeys. A month or so ago her mate was murdered by the neighbor German shepherd. I am relieved she doesn't have to be alone anymore. That does not prevent me from worrying. Is she happy, is she frightened, is she safe. Sometimes I have to really laugh at myself.

I woke up late, because I could not sleep last night. My brain would not stop. I took my usual dose of children's benedryl with no luck. Around 2am I pulled out the big guns and went to the living room and fell asleep to "Pride and Prejudice"

Works every time.

I'm sitting in the Coffee Tree, mp3 playing in my ears as I read email, write blogs and get current.

People watching to Marc Cohn.

It feels good.

People all around me talking and laughing, coming and going.


The theme that keeps going around and around in my head is letting go. I seem to be in the decade of letting go. Apparently I'm not learning the lesson. Ten years ago we were readying the house for my daughter Tiffany's wedding. So much letting go since then.

My higher thinking tells me that it is not going to stop, it is my thinking around letting go is what needs to change.

Unfortunately, I have Vertigo and so I never welcome the free fall.

Perfectly "Distracted"

Today was the perfect ending to a trying week.

The best kept secret of northern Colorado is southern Wyoming. One hour north of Ft. Collins on highway 287 is a small unassuming town that holds the University of Wyoming.

Today, my sister Kelly and I went to see my niece act in a play at the University of Wyoming drama department and it was spectacular. This is not the bragging of a proud aunt, although I am. Unfortunately it was the last performance. It was amazing.

We arrived early enough to get good seats, lucky for us because it was a packed house. As we sat there, I admired the creative and innovative stage set. It looked like a work of art and so it was. The lights went down and I could not have ever predicted the treat I was in for. This play, "Distracted" touched every sense.

My aesthed got fed.

It was a total experience. The script was magnificent, the actors were top shelf, totally in character and the direction and production was beyond expectation.

I was moved.

The play "Distracted," Lisa Loomer's dark comedy about a contemporary family struggling with a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and whether medication is the answer.

"Distracted" revolves around one family's attempt to help their nine-year-old son who's behaviors are getting him into trouble at school and at home. His teacher thinks that he has ADHD, his psychiatrist thinks he needs medication, his dad thinks he's just being a boy and his mom is searching for answers.

This Off-Broadway hit by Lisa Loomis, the author of "Girl, Interrupted" and "The Waiting Room".

Director- Leigh Selting
Mama- Noelia Antweiler
Dad- Sean Patrick Higgins
Jesse- Daniel Skinner
Vera- Amber McNew
Sherry- Kim Lockhart
Natalie- Kat Cordes
Zavala/ Carolyn/ Waitress- Erin Rooney (my niece)
Broder/ Jinks/ Karnes/ Actor- Jason Niedbalski

My only regret was that everyone I know and everyone I don't know didn't see it.

fell madly in love at first sight

the angels placed you in my arms.
i looked down on your small delicate charms,
and fell madly in love at first sight.
under a spell i tumbled,
as though cupids arrow had pierced my empty heart,
rising victoriously with your named part.
i gasped and grasped for this hostage hearts plight.
for you see,i fell madly in love at first sight.

after that moment we were inseparable.
together we were,day and night.
you needed me,and i most certainly needed you.
like a fierce lioness,i guarded you too.
feeling your every discomfort,
as though someone had salted the wound of cupids arrow,
gasping and grasping my hostage hearts plight.
because there was no doubt,i had fallen madly in love at first sight.

as you grew through thick and thin.
i saw that you were not as fragile within.
and i felt a sigh of relief escape,
but not so of my heart,
with every minute,every day,every year
our bond grew more loyal,and with every tear
waiting for what was to come what might.
i had fallen madly in love at first sight.

all that i was,i placed at your feet.
hoping to give you the benefit of my successes and my defeats.
dreaming great dreams for you and me.
stumbling and falling from what i wanted you to see.
i had to concede to my humanity,
and sometimes i was ashamed for you to see the real me.
the truth i could not hide or fight,
because i had fallen madly in love at first sight.

we traveled the low road and then we came to the high,
together we remained, together in flight.
i started to take for granted that we would always be together,
after all we were the same flesh,the same bone,birds of a feather,
and we had come to understand through hindsight.
but you stretched your wings preparing for flight,
how could that be,how could you see,
that i had fallen madly in love at first sight.

now the moment of truth stood looking me in the eye.
i wanted to fight and i didn't want you to fly.
for my heart was yours from the moment we met.
my plan was not this,and my jaw was set.
then the angel came down with a message from me,
letting go,was the only love that the future would see.
i wept large tears-of sorrow and joy,
and said good bye to my daughters and The Boy.
for once and for all i had fallen madly in love with you at first sight.

Astrological earthquake reported

As many of you may have heard, the astrological community has reported drastic changes that apparently set astrology, as we have known it, on its ear. And me on shaky ground. I am not one of those people that every move is determined by the horoscope report in the newspaper or the Internet, but I definitely subscribe the the magnetic influences of the moon and stars.

I don't have television, so much of the current events come to me via the oral tradition. The other night, one of my fellow Gemini brought me the news about the astrological tremors rippling through the news. I'm no longer a Gemini? I'm now a Taurus? There is a new sign to fill in the gaps?

Recently I have taken up the study of great historical artists and writing about the influences of my studies on my creative journey. So by necessity, I have been delving into history in general. While I don't have the solution to the astrological problem of reconciling the shifted access of the earth and the effect that has on astrology as we know it, it is airily similar to the discovery that the earth was not flat, but round. The first conclusion was that the sun and stars were rotating around us, earth. But as we all know know that was a misnomer.

There is no way I am a Taurus, even though there are many traits I envy, and wish I possessed of the many Taureans I know and love.

I think they need to work harder at the solution instead of the easy fix, the instant gratification and use their imaginations to seek a deeper answer.

When I am painting, when I am creating, sometimes I have to dive deep to create what the canvas is calling out to say. At the point of execution, I have to reach deep into all of my experience to fulfill the destiny of the work, calling on history and experience and imagination.

Deep Thoughts

There is a question that has been burning in my soul.
I will be sitting in quiet moments and I am faced with it.
I will be in my kitchen in the early morning, like grandma Rowe use to do, sipping my coffee and there it is again.
And even in the midst of the most chaotic hustle and bustle of the day, when there is not even one spare moment,

I turn and I am facing it square and there is no way to evade, or hide or run......

What ever happen to Mel mac?
It usually came, at any given time, in three different colors and designs and it was so inexpensive. If you lost a plate or a cup, well you didn't have to break the bank, you could just go buy a new set.
I remember going to Woolworth's and choosing the yellow sunflower pattern and at the next meal I prepared, setting the table with a particular pride and confidence.
Oh those days are gone.

What now. Walmart? ugh! Ceramic from china, no I do not mean china as in, fine table wears. Although now that we are on the subject of China, as in fine table wears, I did get a new(to me) set of beautiful china. Much to my surprise and pleasure, it was made in America. I got it at a yard sale. An elderly couple moved to assisted living and the family was not interested in keeping it. Oh Joy. I love it. I plan on using it for my every day wears, and why not. The kids are gone. Karl is gone, although if he were still here I think he would agree that china is a capital choice for every meal.

As I am sitting here writing I was moved to fix myself a cup of pomegranate green tea to enjoy at the end of a long day, of course, in my china made in America.
So now I am on to other thoughts.

The Waiting Chair

In dusk's damp doorway to beyond,
You wander in perfect peace.

My heart has broken and been tossed into the waist pile.
"What use is this hair of mine. To whom shall I adorn myself"
The sound of scissors, snip, snip
Slowly, silently I watch my hair float to the floor,
like dandelion fairies on a summer's breeze.

Grief's haunting song dances around my ears
and has become my constant companion.
The world seems somehow faded,
Vibrant has left the color wheel.
My memories mingle intimately with moments melancholy.

"Let us pretend you will return in spring and even now,
you languish in some warm place waiting to return to me or I to you."

At night I hold hope high that dream's state will pull back the veil,
and give me but one brief glimpse of you.
Bargains bend my pen in desperate negotiations
with God and Angels.

Now my days are filled with detached ambition,
as I watch once youthful countenance fade
while sitting quietly at the door,
waiting for it to open to me as it did you.

How long must I wait.
What wish must I wish.
Why must I remain in the remains of the day
watching the sun set so slowly
that time seems overdue.

Oh blissful ending when will you reunite us,
and if not soon,
Please give me new life that I may re grasp my will
and live without the waiting chair.