Today Beaute died. May 24,2012.

He was eleven years old and my faithful companion. He was the most amazing animal.

I adopted him from a local greyhound guy and from the first day we were fast friends and eventually best friends. He was my BFF.

I know he could read my mind. When I would be getting ready to go somewhere, it did not matter how quiet I was, or how I tip toed around the house he knew and he would come running, tail wagging, ready to go for a ride in the car. He would be lying in the sun in the back yard and when I picked up my keys, one ear would stand straight up, he could hear the jingle of the keys and be up on his feet waiting for me to come get him and put him in the car. And when I wouldn’t he would have the most heart breaking expression on his face from the other side of the gate, that many times I would turn around and go back for him and say “ok, fine you can go” and his tail would wag with excitement. It was such a pleasure to see him happy. When I first got him we would play in the front yard every day. He had a stuffed toy they he liked to lay with, funny enough, it was Scooby doo.  He loved to fetch and he especially loved to go on walks. He has the key hole at Devil’s Backbone on his list of accomplishments.

About a year and a half ago Beaute came down with “Old Dog Vestibular Syndrome” He was never the same after that. Long walks and hiking were no longer fun for him. He was patient, loving and always a good listener. Whenever I would talk to Monty on the telephone, Beaute knew it and would start pushing toward the door with his nose. He liked to go to Monty’s house and play with Luke.  About five months ago his front right let started bothering him. It soon became difficult, no matter how excited he was, to hop into the back of the car. Most recently his intestines started to bother him with diarrhea.

Last night I came home and he had diarrhea all over the house. I have no carpet, so the cleanup is the least of my worries. He had lost his zippity-du-da. Monty went with me for this most difficult thing. Beaute was tired and in pain. Not long ago I said to Beaute in an emotional outburst, “ and you can’t go anywhere right now, not for at least a year, I can’t loose you right now. I can’t handle it” about a day later I realized that was selfish, that Beaute might need, for his sake to go sooner and that sooner was today.

My dear friend Monty went with me and helped me on so many different levels. He is a good friend. When we got back to Monty’s house, Melissa was waiting at the door with open arms and warm hugs. I sat down and Luke started rubbing up against me and howling and talking in Luke language. I could tell, he somehow knew exactly what was going on and was consoling me.

Beaute made the world a better place and he made me a better person.

The winds of change have arrived in my neighborhood. Welcomed with mixed messages of push and pull. I so admire the people who's road is steady and predictable. I look around at my peers and I see people who are established and secure and steady. I am green with envy, I envy their security. I wonder if there is a connection to the fact that green is my favorite color.

If I change my favorite color, will my story change?

I recently put my house for sale, I am giving up this most of the american dreams.

It is hard not to feel like a failure, but I am after all the seeker of silver linings and I usually find them. Ask anyone who knows me.

I adopted out my peahen yesterday afternoon to a neighbor who has chickens, carrier pigeons and turkeys. A month or so ago her mate was murdered by the neighbor German shepherd. I am relieved she doesn't have to be alone anymore. That does not prevent me from worrying. Is she happy, is she frightened, is she safe. Sometimes I have to really laugh at myself.

I woke up late, because I could not sleep last night. My brain would not stop. I took my usual dose of children's benedryl with no luck. Around 2am I pulled out the big guns and went to the living room and fell asleep to "Pride and Prejudice"

Works every time.

I'm sitting in the Coffee Tree, mp3 playing in my ears as I read email, write blogs and get current.

People watching to Marc Cohn.

It feels good.

People all around me talking and laughing, coming and going.


The theme that keeps going around and around in my head is letting go. I seem to be in the decade of letting go. Apparently I'm not learning the lesson. Ten years ago we were readying the house for my daughter Tiffany's wedding. So much letting go since then.

My higher thinking tells me that it is not going to stop, it is my thinking around letting go is what needs to change.

Unfortunately, I have Vertigo and so I never welcome the free fall.